Skulls and Angels

It's always with the stupid triggers lately. I'm sick and fucking tired of this. As if that wasn't bad enough, this one came literally just after I'd got done saying that I was exercising so that people would have less reason to make comments on my weight. I want to keep myself healthy. I'm not a stick, but I work hard and I've literally worked my ass into the ground at certain points in my life. My grandmother said again that she wants me to lose weight The irony of this? I'm in a size small pair of sweats right now, and they are not tight on me. I cannot win in this family. I just can't. I don't care what I do, it's never enough. Fuck this shit. I wish I could stop this from affecting me. I'm tired of hurting because of them. And I'm pissed off. I do the best I can, and if they don't like it, tough shit. I'd rather be healthy and alive than a stick-thin corpse, I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it still shattered something in me. I'm not beyond being hurt by this yet, but I can't help it if what seems like a healthier weight to me looks big to them. I'm a shorty, any amount of weight on me seems like too much to them. I don't want to be unhealthy again. The rational part of me gets that. But apparently they want the bitch who refuses to eat back again. Fuck that. That's not me.

Excuse me for all these rants about this lately. Contrary to what it seems when I write about my family, I do love them. I know they mean well. They want me to be healthy and thin so that I have less stress on my body, but in my case, I cannot get to their conception of healthy without turning myself into sour-faced, hungry-ass bitch. I refuse.

I will be healthy. I will not deny myself food. I will not exercise to the point of damaging my body. I'm doing the best I can to survive my life right now and not give in to the part of me that wants to self-destruct, and it's extremely hard right now. I just want to be told I'm good enough the way I am, regardless of my weight. Weight is only a small part of who anyone is, but I never feel good enough for my family. Ever. I feel like defective merchandise someone forgot to return that no one really wants. Like I'm an old doll someone forgot they had in the back of a dark closet, but no one wants me anymore because I don't function the way they wish I would.

I wish sometimes that life had an escape hatch.

Forgive me for blathering on so much, but I don't want to internalize this crap.

If you read this, I appreciate it more than any words could ever say. I apologize for rehashing the same stupid shit over and over. I know it has to get boring after a while.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I hope everyone is well.

I had to try on clothes today. That always triggers the not-good, hate my body feeling. Being told 'we need to get some weight off those legs" hurts. Badly.

I'm trying not to give into my impulses to starve myself.

I know it's such a stupid thing to get triggered over, but damn it, I can't help it.

i felt like a complete failure at that moment.

I'm healthy, but now I feel fat and ugly.

I feel worthless as all fuck right now, It's stupid, I know, but I do.

I wish i could just disappear from the face of the planet.

I don't mean to bellyache all over my journal, but I had to get that out.

*cries*

In the first place, that was a sucky thing to say, and in the second, my body is MINE, and doesn't belong to anyone else.

I just want to hit something.

*screams*

How is it that family can always make you feel worse about yourself?

I wish I knew.

I get tired of people commenting on my weight, period.

I have issues with food that make it extremely triggering.

I used to be very overweight when I was growing up.

Through controlling my portions and exercise, I lost a lot of weight.

I developed a fear of eating and food that made it difficult to eat.

There were whole food groups I was afraid to even get anywhere near, I avoided eating whenever I could and I was absolutely terrified of sugar or fattening foods.

Physically, I was a healthy weight, so I got told I didn't have an eating disorder whenever I brought it up with my family. I just had weird issues with food, but I was still eating, so it wasn't a problem.

Nevermind that I was cold all the time and my hair started to fall out.

I didn't get skeletal thin or have changes in my cycle, but every time I ate, I would feel guilty. I absolutely had to walk in place for three miles every day, or the world would collapse.

Things are different now.

I no longer avoid any food groups. I now allow myself to eat things like cookies and chocolate.

I still keep track of what I eat, monitor my portion sizes and keep track of my calories, but I'm not as restrictive in my eating as I was.

I still try to eat healthily, but I no longer feel as guilty when I have things like chips or chocolate.

Overall, I'd say my attitude toward food is generally healthier than it has been in quite some time.

I don't eat massive portions of anything, but I eat until I feel satisfied.

I'm enjoying the flavors in food again.

I'm not massively overweight, nor underweight. I'm at a normal weight for my height.

Clothes-wise, i wear anything from a size 8 in workout gear to a size size 14 in pajama jeans. It just depends on the cut of the material.

I'm healthy now, and I intend to stay that way.

It just hurts when I have people tell me I could still afford to lose weight.

I'm short, and because of the way my body is built, I always look bigger than I am.

I'm not going to pretend I'm suddenly perfect. I'm not anywhere near that, but I worked hard at getting to a good weight for me. I eat healthily and exercise to keep myself there.

I'm not going to punish myself again for not meeting someone else's expectations of what I should be.

I have a right to be proud of being healthy.

But, when people tell me I could still afford to lose a few pounds, it's hard not to want to slip back to bad old habits.

It wasn't meant to be a hurtful thing, but it was, and now I'm fighting to not slip backward on this.

I am healthy. I deserve to STAY healthy, and that means not not letting this force me backward.

*crosses fingers*

I used to have dreams about eating huge plates of food. I mean gigantic, huge portions. Things I'd never have let myself eat in RL at the time. Especially tiramisu. And macaroni and cheese. And pizza.And massive hotdogs with chili and cheese. I still can't eat a full-on hotdog in RL, though. I can eat the components of one, but for some reason the thought of eating them all together makes my stomach clench in fear. 

It makes me a little sad, because hotdogs used to be one of my favorite things ever. Now they scare me. I've mostly dealt with my food issues, but that one is lingering something fierce.

I can remember sitting there crying when my father fixed them for dinner, because the thought of eating them upset me so much.

I felt so much guilt and shame. He looked at me like I was insane and kind of laughed at my expression. He said I was looking at my food like it would attack me, but that's almost how it felt. I hated it.

I think it may be time to make an attempt at eating them again.

A lifeless corpse, she laid there, smiling.
Death had come on soft wings
to bring her shelter from the pain.

Looking at her, all I could think was-
God, what beautiful bones.
Tears of envy rolled down my face
As I whispered a furtive goodbye.